I replay it. Over and over.

In my head, I can’t make it stop.

You never go away, but you were never really there.


not to disappear

i spoke to my doctor today, and i’ve decided that after a year of taking sertraline, i’m going to taper off, once i’ve settled in auckland.

i have a new prescription for a further 3 months supply, and so i will see how i get on for a couple of months in new zealand, and then half my dosage for a month, and then to no pills at all.

i’m excited, because i feel ready to see how i cope with life. i feel like i have found things more manageable – even though i have gone through a break-up and been away from a lot of my close friends this year, i feel like i can deal with some tough stuff better than i could before. happiness is no longer this unobtainable thing; i can see it and i can feel it.

the travel plans

I have changed my travel plans slightly.

I will fly back to the UK for one month in May, and then return back to Thailand – where I will stay in Bangkok for a few days. I will then catch a flight to Auckland from there, rather than spend a month or two in Thailand. Reasons for this include:

  1. it is cheaper to fly in June
  2. I can pack mostly a winter wardrobe – aka more city appropriate clothing
  3. I don’t have to worry about storing my stuff somewhere, as I wouldn’t want to lug around NZ clothing/items
  4. it is time to start the new chapter in my life
  5. the SE Asian adventure ends, the NZ one begins!

thoughts of the day

  • i have booked a flight back to london in may to visit family & friends for one month before returning to thailand
  • there’s a lump in my throat that makes it hard to breathe and it is because you keep making me feel tense and afraid and not good enough. over and over again
  • i will then spend another month or two in south east asia before going to new zealand to live & work
  • you didn’t put in the effort, so i gave up on you. it shouldn’t come as a shock to you that i no longer want you in my life
  • i really love my bottle green jumper. it’s so lovely and snug
  • buy a new menstrual cup when i get back in the UK
  • tenderness and affection will always be feigned by you
  • stop and breathe
  • order new bank card with later expiry dates
  • extend and renew travel insurance
  • i am grateful for my friends. the ones who are actually supportive and there for me

let sleeping dogs lie

thoughts of the daysidebec.jpg

  • the way you see someone can change all too quickly – sometimes you are soft, light, and deep. other times, your eyes do not meet mine and you are cold
  • filling the void of loneliness with other people is probably not healthy but i still continue to do so
  • travelling solo gave me the freedom to be myself, unapologetically so. so why do i suddenly feel all too unlike myself when i stay in one place?
  • i can’t forget the way you used to make me feel
  • i no longer feel the same way about you

walk more

I’m don’t know why I’m so lazy, but walking is the bare minimum exercise that I force myself to do on a daily basis. In Chiang Mai, the preferred mode of transport is definitely by scooter, but this beautiful city is so walkable, it stumps me why so few people walk. 

The route is not mapped out and your legs simply carry you. Inhaling deeply, your lungs fill to full capacity with air of a questionable quality, and you feel alive.

It’s a form of meditation: one foot in front of the other, getting lost in the deepest of thoughts, taking in all of your surroundings.



Just brave the outside world and walk.

But. Sometimes I need to have an end goal – I need a measurable target to motivate myself to get off my ass.

Step Counting:

Getting hold of a step-counter (eg a fitbit or an app on your phone) can really help you achieve a daily step goal. Having your steps quantified can certainly help in seeing how much more you walk. I love being able to see how far I’ve walked and it makes me feel great knowing I haven’t just wasted time being idle indoors.


Okay – so this requires using your phone (but hey, we live in a technological age, so why completely eschew our mobiles?) and also you will need a pen.

Once you’ve downloaded the app, it opens up your GPS and you walk to real life spaces. By a certain space, there is a secret hidden cache somewhere – these can vary from the size of a penlid to a large tupperware box – which you have to locate using your GPS location and the clues on the app. Once you locate the cache, you write your name & the date you found the cache, and you move on to the next one. Some of the larger caches contain little “treasures” which you can take and keep, and replace with an item for the next geocacher who comes along. I have found badges, foreign currency, and short poems in these little magical caches.

What is great about this is you get to see well-known routes with a fresh pair of eyes. In my local park alone there are a handful of geocaches hidden away in plain sight. It feels great to be sneaking around, trying to locate this little treasure! Not only does it give your walk purpose, it is also fun to be part of a secret community

Being Frugal:

I get a real kick out of not spending money on public transport whenever this is possible. I feel a sense of accomplishment if I walk a few miles to reach my destination whilst saving a bit of cash too. Not only do you no longer have to rely on dodgy transport-timetables, you can fall in love with your surroundings again. You really can miss so much if you are zooming underground on the tube or whizzing past in a bus.



Online gaming to get you out of the house? Yes please! 


Anyway, so this app (it’s free by the way) is similar to Geocaching in the sense that it is GPS based. You need to be outside to play and the rules are simple:

  • Pick a team (Enlightened or Resistance)
  • Hack enemy & friendly portals to gain kit (XM bursters, resonators, and other “mods”. You will gain experience from this, so that you can level up quickly
  • Capture neutral portals for your team as well as attack enemy portals to neutralise them.
  • Link friendly portals via keys obtained from hacking to create fields to gain points

Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

So what makes this game fun? You’re walking around, you get to walk (or run) to portals and battle against other players. The Ingress community is also very social, so you get to go to meet ups and interact with fellow players of the game.

This game is extremely absorbing: you really feel peeved if someone neutralises your portal and you feel euphoric when you attack an enemy portal and claim it as your own. There are a few more rules to the game, but I’ll leave you to discover them on your own.

Just as a final note though, Ingress also lets you see what distances you’ve covered. I’ve been playing on and off for a few months, and have walked over 250km.


The creators of Ingress then went on to make Pokemon Go. Though the craze has died down a lot since it came out last year, but I occasionally crack out my phone and play these games to up my step count.



my recipe for protein balls


Note to self, so that I don’t forget – makes approx 13 balls


1 mug of dates

1/2 mug of almonds almonds

1 tablespoon of chia seeds

1 tablespoon of coconut oil

1 tablespoon of raw cacao powder

1 large scoop (30g) of hemp protein powder (or ground down hemp seeds)



Blitz all the ingredients together in a food processor or powerful blender until smooth. Using your hands, roll the mixture into a ball. Roll them in more cacao powder or desiccated coconut. Leave to set in the fridge. Can be stored for two weeks.

today’s thoughts

– Reading. I finished a book today. A collection of short stories; they were just okay to read. I have one more book left in my collection (a Tony Parsons novel) and then I will have to purchase more.

– Film my day-to-day life. Yesterday, my friend told me about a TED talk about a man who decided to stitch together short clips of his everyday life to create a “one second every day” video. Cesar Kuriyama’s talk can be found here – his talk encouraged me to capture not only the fun and happy moments in life, but the mundane and sad ones, too.

– Sexual health. I went to the clinic again today for a routine check-up (£3.50 for the walk-in exam, woo) and I was telling my friend about it. To my surprise, he said he has never gone for an STD test. Ever. He is 28. How – in say, a decade of sexual activity – can someone have never gone for a test?! It boggles my mind. A lot of diseases are symptomless and thus can go unnoticed for years. Let this be a reminder to be shrewd about your sexual health and to make an appointment to get your bits checked out.

– Future plans. I’m just weighing up weather to stay in Chiang Mai until I have to leave Thailand (mid-May), or if I should visit Koh Lanta and enjoy some island life. Going to mull this one over for a few more days.

– Sounds. Why do I like the sound of birds chirping, but not the sound of my neighbour’s roosters’ crowing?

– Body hair. I grew out my armpit hair a few months ago. It’s definitely a somewhat divisive topic. I’ve been told it’s masculine. It’s not – if it were only a masculine trait, women would not naturally grow body hair. And it’s that double standard attitude that irritates me. Some guys are really chill about it though. And it’s always great when you meet fellow fuzzy ladies, or men who shave off all their body hair, because fuck it! Do what you want with your own body!