a jolt of lightning

i wrapped myself up in you, and to what end?

i see you in everyone and i search endlessly for the fire that consumed you.

you burned me and i sleep in the ashes that you left behind.

washing you away is not an option, for you are the brightest part of me

 

via Daily Prompt: Jolt

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a loss that never was

we did not exist. still, i was alone. the lessons he taught me; they showed me the truth. he educated me in the art of loneliness – paving the way – there was no future for us.

we did not start and we did not end. never were we ever. and that was okay. warmth and a blush of red – what more could i have needed at the time?

such softness in you both that i could not look away; the same error i would repeat had you not firmly told me “no”. you are my two: you held the view that i was not strong enough to support. i acknowledge that we never could be because we are not better together, and that alone would be cause to sever.

thoughts of the day

  • i have booked a flight back to london in may to visit family & friends for one month before returning to thailand
  • there’s a lump in my throat that makes it hard to breathe and it is because you keep making me feel tense and afraid and not good enough. over and over again
  • i will then spend another month or two in south east asia before going to new zealand to live & work
  • you didn’t put in the effort, so i gave up on you. it shouldn’t come as a shock to you that i no longer want you in my life
  • i really love my bottle green jumper. it’s so lovely and snug
  • buy a new menstrual cup when i get back in the UK
  • tenderness and affection will always be feigned by you
  • stop and breathe
  • order new bank card with later expiry dates
  • extend and renew travel insurance
  • i am grateful for my friends. the ones who are actually supportive and there for me

at the core

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for as long as i can remember, i have always

identified myself based on my relationships with other

people. one day, my spirit was awakened, and i

realised that i could still be me without

someone else to affirm my worth. i began to unravel, slowly,

from the outside, in. soon the artifice ebbed away

from my little core, and my authentic being was finally

free.

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zeroo tattoo

Situated in a non-descript road in the old city of Chiang Mai, it would be easy to overlook this tattoo shop. A friend of mine was visiting, and she was looking to get a tattoo. After extensively researching online, she settled on Zeroo Tattoo, but unfortunately, the artist she wanted was working in Bangkok. Sadly, my friend didn’t get tattooed because of this, but I decided that I would get inked there next.

zeroo.jpg

On March 30th, I rocked up at 6PM, basically as a walk-in appointment, and was seen that day. I was tattooed by Tao, my first experience with a female tattoo artist. Her Instagram can be found here. I contacted her previously with the design that I wanted, so she was aware of the size and placement of my tattoo.

First impressions:

Through the shop window, I see a Thai guy getting his shoulder coloured in. He has a large torso piece already outlined, and he is lying on his side, grimacing slightly as the artist inks away at his skin. As I walk through the door, I am greeted by Tao and asked to sit down. She recognises me from our fairly long back-and-forth exchange on Facebook.

Tao traces up a copy of the design I want, and gets to work. The shop is clean, and I see the staff select a new needle from a sealed packet. I can tell the staff love their job because of the fact they go above and beyond for each of their customers. Further samples of their work can be viewed here and you can contact them here.

I lie down on the black leather chair with my arm stretched out and I hear the familiar sound of the tattoo machine buzzing. I wait in anticipation for the process to begin, and finally, the sharp needle rapidly punctures my flesh, leaving behind a permanent trail of black ink.

wildthings.jpg

 

 

 

 

let sleeping dogs lie

thoughts of the daysidebec.jpg

  • the way you see someone can change all too quickly – sometimes you are soft, light, and deep. other times, your eyes do not meet mine and you are cold
  • filling the void of loneliness with other people is probably not healthy but i still continue to do so
  • travelling solo gave me the freedom to be myself, unapologetically so. so why do i suddenly feel all too unlike myself when i stay in one place?
  • i can’t forget the way you used to make me feel
  • i no longer feel the same way about you

this chemistry has been compromised

Pressure, press down.

This toxic mist is increasing

the strain on our cleft.

Choke, splutter; chisel it out from your lungs.

I must accept that I am on the cusp

of forgiving you, bereft casket.

 

My tinny expulsion is scraping out the excess

of our fragile lining.

It is not an easy task and I feel sick.

I peel you back to the quick;

put on this mask, we are on the brink

of collapse.
 

A fissure of spoiled tissue

engenders haemorrhage.

Warning: This Chest Is Sinking!

Raise the alarm; we are suffocating.

Caution wanes – I corrupt this.

This chemistry has been compromised.

 

 

 

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