illusory clarity

Your heavy heartbeat is deafening us both, yet it makes me feel safe.

This is all illusory: your heart does not sing my name.

If I were to fall, you would not be able to catch me; bones would shatter, and I would be dumber than I already am.

There are times when I simply can’t face your face.

Time again, your smile simultaneously builds and destroys.

Everything is out of focus – but you. You don’t see me, though

OPAQUE

a loss that never was

we did not exist. still, i was alone. the lessons he taught me; they showed me the truth. he educated me in the art of loneliness – paving the way – there was no future for us.

we did not start and we did not end. never were we ever. and that was okay. warmth and a blush of red – what more could i have needed at the time?

such softness in you both that i could not look away; the same error i would repeat had you not firmly told me “no”. you are my two: you held the view that i was not strong enough to support. i acknowledge that we never could be because we are not better together, and that alone would be cause to sever.

thoughts of the day

  • i have booked a flight back to london in may to visit family & friends for one month before returning to thailand
  • there’s a lump in my throat that makes it hard to breathe and it is because you keep making me feel tense and afraid and not good enough. over and over again
  • i will then spend another month or two in south east asia before going to new zealand to live & work
  • you didn’t put in the effort, so i gave up on you. it shouldn’t come as a shock to you that i no longer want you in my life
  • i really love my bottle green jumper. it’s so lovely and snug
  • buy a new menstrual cup when i get back in the UK
  • tenderness and affection will always be feigned by you
  • stop and breathe
  • order new bank card with later expiry dates
  • extend and renew travel insurance
  • i am grateful for my friends. the ones who are actually supportive and there for me

at the core

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for as long as i can remember, i have always

identified myself based on my relationships with other

people. one day, my spirit was awakened, and i

realised that i could still be me without

someone else to affirm my worth. i began to unravel, slowly,

from the outside, in. soon the artifice ebbed away

from my little core, and my authentic being was finally

free.

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let sleeping dogs lie

thoughts of the daysidebec.jpg

  • the way you see someone can change all too quickly – sometimes you are soft, light, and deep. other times, your eyes do not meet mine and you are cold
  • filling the void of loneliness with other people is probably not healthy but i still continue to do so
  • travelling solo gave me the freedom to be myself, unapologetically so. so why do i suddenly feel all too unlike myself when i stay in one place?
  • i can’t forget the way you used to make me feel
  • i no longer feel the same way about you

this chemistry has been compromised

Pressure, press down.

This toxic mist is increasing

the strain on our cleft.

Choke, splutter; chisel it out from your lungs.

I must accept that I am on the cusp

of forgiving you, bereft casket.

 

My tinny expulsion is scraping out the excess

of our fragile lining.

It is not an easy task and I feel sick.

I peel you back to the quick;

put on this mask, we are on the brink

of collapse.
 

A fissure of spoiled tissue

engenders haemorrhage.

Warning: This Chest Is Sinking!

Raise the alarm; we are suffocating.

Caution wanes – I corrupt this.

This chemistry has been compromised.

 

 

 

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29.03.17

Yesterday, I was sick. I threw up at 9AM. I aimed for the sink, but my natural instinct to vomit was far too overwhelming to contain, and thus, I missed my target. Chunks of sick hit the floor and the rubbish bin. I noticed several hours later that an army of ants were drowning in the pool of my vomit – their attempts to carry the lumps of regurgitated food back to their nest were in vain. Eventually, I cleaned the mess up, but in my sickly state, it felt like a hugely laborious task.

I spent the entire day drifting in and out of sleep. It was hot – with lows of 27°c and highs of 38°c – and, whilst my fan was doing an okay job of keeping me cool, I was perspiring heavily; in part due to a slight fever, but mostly due to the heat of Thailand. Waves of nausea would come and go, and I took multiple cold showers to refresh me.

I have been travelling for just over six months. I quit my job in London and purchased a one-way ticket to Bangkok. In that time, I’ve met so many new faces and been offered a small glimpse into their lives: we shared stories, sunsets, memories, and moments together.

The common theme I’ve noticed amongst travellers is that the majority use travel as a way to “find oneself”. Yet I fail to understand this concept; it’s not that I never feel lost or that I have an unwaveringly strong sense of self. It’s clear to me that I travel for the opposite reason – I’m escaping the constructs of what I consider myself to be. Yes, I’m running away from myself.