a jolt of lightning

i wrapped myself up in you, and to what end?

i see you in everyone and i search endlessly for the fire that consumed you.

you burned me and i sleep in the ashes that you left behind.

washing you away is not an option, for you are the brightest part of me

 

via Daily Prompt: Jolt

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a loss that never was

we did not exist. still, i was alone. the lessons he taught me; they showed me the truth. he educated me in the art of loneliness – paving the way – there was no future for us.

we did not start and we did not end. never were we ever. and that was okay. warmth and a blush of red – what more could i have needed at the time?

such softness in you both that i could not look away; the same error i would repeat had you not firmly told me “no”. you are my two: you held the view that i was not strong enough to support. i acknowledge that we never could be because we are not better together, and that alone would be cause to sever.

thoughts of the day

  • i have booked a flight back to london in may to visit family & friends for one month before returning to thailand
  • there’s a lump in my throat that makes it hard to breathe and it is because you keep making me feel tense and afraid and not good enough. over and over again
  • i will then spend another month or two in south east asia before going to new zealand to live & work
  • you didn’t put in the effort, so i gave up on you. it shouldn’t come as a shock to you that i no longer want you in my life
  • i really love my bottle green jumper. it’s so lovely and snug
  • buy a new menstrual cup when i get back in the UK
  • tenderness and affection will always be feigned by you
  • stop and breathe
  • order new bank card with later expiry dates
  • extend and renew travel insurance
  • i am grateful for my friends. the ones who are actually supportive and there for me