not to disappear

i spoke to my doctor today, and i’ve decided that after a year of taking sertraline, i’m going to taper off, once i’ve settled in auckland.

i have a new prescription for a further 3 months supply, and so i will see how i get on for a couple of months in new zealand, and then half my dosage for a month, and then to no pills at all.

i’m excited, because i feel ready to see how i cope with life. i feel like i have found things more manageable – even though i have gone through a break-up and been away from a lot of my close friends this year, i feel like i can deal with some tough stuff better than i could before. happiness is no longer this unobtainable thing; i can see it and i can feel it.

Advertisements

the travel plans

I have changed my travel plans slightly.

I will fly back to the UK for one month in May, and then return back to Thailand – where I will stay in Bangkok for a few days. I will then catch a flight to Auckland from there, rather than spend a month or two in Thailand. Reasons for this include:

  1. it is cheaper to fly in June
  2. I can pack mostly a winter wardrobe – aka more city appropriate clothing
  3. I don’t have to worry about storing my stuff somewhere, as I wouldn’t want to lug around NZ clothing/items
  4. it is time to start the new chapter in my life
  5. the SE Asian adventure ends, the NZ one begins!

illusory clarity

Your heavy heartbeat is deafening us both, yet it makes me feel safe.

This is all illusory: your heart does not sing my name.

If I were to fall, you would not be able to catch me; bones would shatter, and I would be dumber than I already am.

There are times when I simply can’t face your face.

Time again, your smile simultaneously builds and destroys.

Everything is out of focus – but you. You don’t see me, though

OPAQUE

thoughts of the day

  • i have booked a flight back to london in may to visit family & friends for one month before returning to thailand
  • there’s a lump in my throat that makes it hard to breathe and it is because you keep making me feel tense and afraid and not good enough. over and over again
  • i will then spend another month or two in south east asia before going to new zealand to live & work
  • you didn’t put in the effort, so i gave up on you. it shouldn’t come as a shock to you that i no longer want you in my life
  • i really love my bottle green jumper. it’s so lovely and snug
  • buy a new menstrual cup when i get back in the UK
  • tenderness and affection will always be feigned by you
  • stop and breathe
  • order new bank card with later expiry dates
  • extend and renew travel insurance
  • i am grateful for my friends. the ones who are actually supportive and there for me

let sleeping dogs lie

thoughts of the daysidebec.jpg

  • the way you see someone can change all too quickly – sometimes you are soft, light, and deep. other times, your eyes do not meet mine and you are cold
  • filling the void of loneliness with other people is probably not healthy but i still continue to do so
  • travelling solo gave me the freedom to be myself, unapologetically so. so why do i suddenly feel all too unlike myself when i stay in one place?
  • i can’t forget the way you used to make me feel
  • i no longer feel the same way about you

today’s thoughts

– Reading. I finished a book today. A collection of short stories; they were just okay to read. I have one more book left in my collection (a Tony Parsons novel) and then I will have to purchase more.

– Film my day-to-day life. Yesterday, my friend told me about a TED talk about a man who decided to stitch together short clips of his everyday life to create a “one second every day” video. Cesar Kuriyama’s talk can be found here – his talk encouraged me to capture not only the fun and happy moments in life, but the mundane and sad ones, too.

– Sexual health. I went to the clinic again today for a routine check-up (£3.50 for the walk-in exam, woo) and I was telling my friend about it. To my surprise, he said he has never gone for an STD test. Ever. He is 28. How – in say, a decade of sexual activity – can someone have never gone for a test?! It boggles my mind. A lot of diseases are symptomless and thus can go unnoticed for years. Let this be a reminder to be shrewd about your sexual health and to make an appointment to get your bits checked out.

– Future plans. I’m just weighing up weather to stay in Chiang Mai until I have to leave Thailand (mid-May), or if I should visit Koh Lanta and enjoy some island life. Going to mull this one over for a few more days.

– Sounds. Why do I like the sound of birds chirping, but not the sound of my neighbour’s roosters’ crowing?

– Body hair. I grew out my armpit hair a few months ago. It’s definitely a somewhat divisive topic. I’ve been told it’s masculine. It’s not – if it were only a masculine trait, women would not naturally grow body hair. And it’s that double standard attitude that irritates me. Some guys are really chill about it though. And it’s always great when you meet fellow fuzzy ladies, or men who shave off all their body hair, because fuck it! Do what you want with your own body!