I replay it. Over and over.

In my head, I can’t make it stop.

You never go away, but you were never really there.

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not to disappear

i spoke to my doctor today, and i’ve decided that after a year of taking sertraline, i’m going to taper off, once i’ve settled in auckland.

i have a new prescription for a further 3 months supply, and so i will see how i get on for a couple of months in new zealand, and then half my dosage for a month, and then to no pills at all.

i’m excited, because i feel ready to see how i cope with life. i feel like i have found things more manageable – even though i have gone through a break-up and been away from a lot of my close friends this year, i feel like i can deal with some tough stuff better than i could before. happiness is no longer this unobtainable thing; i can see it and i can feel it.

thoughts of the day

  • i have booked a flight back to london in may to visit family & friends for one month before returning to thailand
  • there’s a lump in my throat that makes it hard to breathe and it is because you keep making me feel tense and afraid and not good enough. over and over again
  • i will then spend another month or two in south east asia before going to new zealand to live & work
  • you didn’t put in the effort, so i gave up on you. it shouldn’t come as a shock to you that i no longer want you in my life
  • i really love my bottle green jumper. it’s so lovely and snug
  • buy a new menstrual cup when i get back in the UK
  • tenderness and affection will always be feigned by you
  • stop and breathe
  • order new bank card with later expiry dates
  • extend and renew travel insurance
  • i am grateful for my friends. the ones who are actually supportive and there for me

let sleeping dogs lie

thoughts of the daysidebec.jpg

  • the way you see someone can change all too quickly – sometimes you are soft, light, and deep. other times, your eyes do not meet mine and you are cold
  • filling the void of loneliness with other people is probably not healthy but i still continue to do so
  • travelling solo gave me the freedom to be myself, unapologetically so. so why do i suddenly feel all too unlike myself when i stay in one place?
  • i can’t forget the way you used to make me feel
  • i no longer feel the same way about you