a loss that never was

we did not exist. still, i was alone. the lessons he taught me; they showed me the truth. he educated me in the art of loneliness – paving the way – there was no future for us.

we did not start and we did not end. never were we ever. and that was okay. warmth and a blush of red – what more could i have needed at the time?

such softness in you both that i could not look away; the same error i would repeat had you not firmly told me “no”. you are my two: you held the view that i was not strong enough to support. i acknowledge that we never could be because we are not better together, and that alone would be cause to sever.

thoughts of the day

  • i have booked a flight back to london in may to visit family & friends for one month before returning to thailand
  • there’s a lump in my throat that makes it hard to breathe and it is because you keep making me feel tense and afraid and not good enough. over and over again
  • i will then spend another month or two in south east asia before going to new zealand to live & work
  • you didn’t put in the effort, so i gave up on you. it shouldn’t come as a shock to you that i no longer want you in my life
  • i really love my bottle green jumper. it’s so lovely and snug
  • buy a new menstrual cup when i get back in the UK
  • tenderness and affection will always be feigned by you
  • stop and breathe
  • order new bank card with later expiry dates
  • extend and renew travel insurance
  • i am grateful for my friends. the ones who are actually supportive and there for me

my recipe for protein balls

 

Note to self, so that I don’t forget – makes approx 13 balls

proteinIngredients:

1 mug of dates

1/2 mug of almonds almonds

1 tablespoon of chia seeds

1 tablespoon of coconut oil

1 tablespoon of raw cacao powder

1 large scoop (30g) of hemp protein powder (or ground down hemp seeds)

 

Directions:

Blitz all the ingredients together in a food processor or powerful blender until smooth. Using your hands, roll the mixture into a ball. Roll them in more cacao powder or desiccated coconut. Leave to set in the fridge. Can be stored for two weeks.

today’s thoughts

– Reading. I finished a book today. A collection of short stories; they were just okay to read. I have one more book left in my collection (a Tony Parsons novel) and then I will have to purchase more.

– Film my day-to-day life. Yesterday, my friend told me about a TED talk about a man who decided to stitch together short clips of his everyday life to create a “one second every day” video. Cesar Kuriyama’s talk can be found here – his talk encouraged me to capture not only the fun and happy moments in life, but the mundane and sad ones, too.

– Sexual health. I went to the clinic again today for a routine check-up (£3.50 for the walk-in exam, woo) and I was telling my friend about it. To my surprise, he said he has never gone for an STD test. Ever. He is 28. How – in say, a decade of sexual activity – can someone have never gone for a test?! It boggles my mind. A lot of diseases are symptomless and thus can go unnoticed for years. Let this be a reminder to be shrewd about your sexual health and to make an appointment to get your bits checked out.

– Future plans. I’m just weighing up weather to stay in Chiang Mai until I have to leave Thailand (mid-May), or if I should visit Koh Lanta and enjoy some island life. Going to mull this one over for a few more days.

– Sounds. Why do I like the sound of birds chirping, but not the sound of my neighbour’s roosters’ crowing?

– Body hair. I grew out my armpit hair a few months ago. It’s definitely a somewhat divisive topic. I’ve been told it’s masculine. It’s not – if it were only a masculine trait, women would not naturally grow body hair. And it’s that double standard attitude that irritates me. Some guys are really chill about it though. And it’s always great when you meet fellow fuzzy ladies, or men who shave off all their body hair, because fuck it! Do what you want with your own body!

29.03.17

Yesterday, I was sick. I threw up at 9AM. I aimed for the sink, but my natural instinct to vomit was far too overwhelming to contain, and thus, I missed my target. Chunks of sick hit the floor and the rubbish bin. I noticed several hours later that an army of ants were drowning in the pool of my vomit – their attempts to carry the lumps of regurgitated food back to their nest were in vain. Eventually, I cleaned the mess up, but in my sickly state, it felt like a hugely laborious task.

I spent the entire day drifting in and out of sleep. It was hot – with lows of 27°c and highs of 38°c – and, whilst my fan was doing an okay job of keeping me cool, I was perspiring heavily; in part due to a slight fever, but mostly due to the heat of Thailand. Waves of nausea would come and go, and I took multiple cold showers to refresh me.

I have been travelling for just over six months. I quit my job in London and purchased a one-way ticket to Bangkok. In that time, I’ve met so many new faces and been offered a small glimpse into their lives: we shared stories, sunsets, memories, and moments together.

The common theme I’ve noticed amongst travellers is that the majority use travel as a way to “find oneself”. Yet I fail to understand this concept; it’s not that I never feel lost or that I have an unwaveringly strong sense of self. It’s clear to me that I travel for the opposite reason – I’m escaping the constructs of what I consider myself to be. Yes, I’m running away from myself.